To be Someone

“To death! To death!” I hear them cry, the voices trailing in my mind.

“You're wrong!”

“You've no purpose!”

“No place!”

“No peace!”

“Give up! Give in! Get out!” They say. And who am I to silence them?

Can I say that I am them, or they are me? Are these the ramblings of a shattered mind? Or is this some universal hand of Fate, that would my life to end?

Nothing can I say, for to speak against any of these would be futile. Like the very bodies that surround me, with one hand they calm and with the other they slay. Kindness with a killing touch, but isn't that the way of life? Is anything ever simply as it seems?

And even if I had an inkling of where to start, still, the world-round tells me lies.

“It is your mind,” says one. “You must make it obey you. Take these pills and think this way; all will be well in time.”

The next replies, “It is not of body, but of spirit. Practice this way, remove yourself and become a silent servant. For he who wants not is on the way to peace.”

And yet a third appears, “These are but the ruminations of your wrongdoings. The LORD has punished you thus! So repent of your sinning ways and thoughts! Give up these ideas and this will, take in these words as unabashed truth and be Healed!”

But still my mind yells. “This man here! He knows not of what he speaks! He is giving you medicine he does not comprehend! He wants only that you conform to his Status Quo!

“And here, the next! A two-faced liar he is! He tells you to remove your wants and needs, but what will that leave you? Even he wants to be free of the mortal coil. Even he needs himself to become a servant. How then is it that he may tell you the path to set you free, if he is so far from his own mind?

“Oh, but the last... he is more two-faced than the rest! Ask for help once, he'll tell you of this God's unending love. Tell him something he does not like, and behold! This same God would that you destroy that path of mind. He works not for normalcy or inner peace, but for his own gain. This man lives and breathes only to be above another, to destroy all other thought but his own! He will champion Truth and Knowledge in one moment, and in the next refute them all as heathen sorcery and devil's play!

But all have this in common: they wish to alienate you from yourself, from the thoughts and ways that make you what you are. That make US!”

So what am I left to do but scream at spirits and fate alike until I die from this undue energy? There is within me a piece that yearns to heal and forgive, but another calls only for vengeance and destruction. One calls for oneness and community, yet this here screams that I should receive what is rightfully mine. A section calls for self-actualization, while the rest says to keep quiet, keep free from the self, and understand that nothing comes to those so lowly without sacrifice.

And sacrifice is what I do. Continue to remove piece by piece, molding myself only to what some other may want of me.

But what do I want, you ask?

Only to be part. To be accepted. To be understood. To not be hated. To not be an outcast.

To be Something.

DISCLAIMER

Here it is. Months later, I'm finally going to lay down the law around here. Starting this blog may not have been my brainchild, but I'll be damned if it doesn't play by my rules now that I've started it. If somebody wants to criticize what I post, what I tell the world, well, they can start their own. Or they can comment. Go fucking crazy.

So here's the new rules:
1. This blog is mine, and mine alone. Therefore, it will be written as anything I do: in my own voice, in my own style.
2. For readers including friends, family, potential employers, etc. this means a few things. I will write what I want, how I want. The language I use is highly calculated, whether it is clean or vulgar. The jobs I am looking for should realize that I write for my audiences, and, seeing as how I am this blog's main audience, I'll write for me. The next most likely candidates are the rest of the blogosphere, most of which are probably around my age and used to plenty of darkness, swearing, and other hilarity. Therefore, I won't censor for them, either, as they likely won't ask for it.
3. To employers, this means that what I write is not all of what I am and what I can do. As I am discussing the teenage/early 20s life, college, and all the other goodies of this time frame in my life, I write in a style for that purpose. I've held plenty of jobs, none of which would probably like me to use this discourse while I'm on the clock; that's because of their medium. Those around Papillion will tell you that I didn't swear in class, and I never divulged feelings to McDonald's customers. Anyone who got me on the phones at Oriental Trading will speak more of my kind demeanor and pleasant tone than of some dirty jokes I passed on. That was wrong for those places, so I didn't use it. Likewise, when hired to any position under someone who has read this blog, I will use whatever rhetoric you like for the specific project or job.
4. For everyone else, don't get too scared by all this. I won't tell you every little detail of my life here. I still plan to keep some stories in my back pocket. I don't need the entire internet knowing about my whole life, so I won't put it out there for them.
Those who want all that detail, well... You're gonna have to deal.

With all that said, I hope you enjoy what's posted. Otherwise, it's a free web, you can close your browser or go someplace else; you have that right just like I have mine to speak as I wish. Readers' support and comments are always welcome, criticism, too!

And I Thought Last Time Was Bad...

Yeah, so, umm...
Three months later...
Here I am.
God I suck.
Well, let's get to it while we got it, eh?

So, in over three months, I guess a whole lot has happened. Man, I wish I could remember it all, tag down all the important junk that passed. Fuuuuuuu-
Well, I should at least let y'all know that you should (hopefully) expect another post in the next couple of days, detailing the changes that will be made around here. I'll just suffice it to say that I may have just inked the chains onto my wrist (remember when we did that as kids? Pen tattoos? God we were so cool :P), but I'm breaking the restraints I've been feeling, particularly here.
Also, I hope to get back to regular updates around here. Man, that'd be nice if I could tie down to that.

So, let's see here...
Since December I have:
-Opened up about myself quite nicely
-Marked down the sixth month with the beautiful and amazing Ms. Boettner (I'll try to link to her blog soon, but she only updates about as often as I do, lol)
-Discovered the power of METAL (did I do that earlier? I blame Tim Schafer; Brutal Legend was just too awesome, and right now I'm typing to my new favorite song, Black Sabbath's "N.I.B.")
-Defeated plenty of great games (AC2 is mind-blowing. Both Bioshocks are now under my belt.
... There are others, I'm sure. Just can't think)
-Got into new classes (more about that in a later post)
-Applied for jobs about campus, internships with some big name developers who "need my help," or so their websites tell me.
-Did some soul-searching. Would like to believe I've reconciled with the family at least somewhat
-Seen plenty of movies, some great, some not so (Looking at you, Avatar!)
Shit. I feel like there's more. But I really can't think right now.

Well, at the moment I'm sitting alone in my room. Girlfriend turned in early tonight (lots of class stresses, etc.), roomie's out studying for Chemistry (good luck to him, as I always say), and, well... I guess I'm just here. Been working on a paper for my English class tomorrow. Yep, that's right, of course it's due at 1:30 tomorrow! What do you think I am, some over-achiever? Well, just out there for anyone who feels like judging me, or anyone who might be a future employer (hi people I applied to yesterday!), I've also got plenty of other work for the future I've been getting ahead in. Philosophy papers, a project for my Rhetoric class (still need to figure out what to do for my comic strip. Uggghhh...), so I'm not a total failure.
But you were kids, right? You understand how Spring Break can treat you, especially as an overworked, anxious Freshman.

Okay, well, honestly it's all got my brain a bit muddled at the moment, so I think I'll leave you all now. Good to catch up again. Hope to see you all again, real soon. :)