“To death! To death!” I hear them cry, the voices trailing in my mind.
“You're wrong!”
“You've no purpose!”
“No place!”
“No peace!”
“Give up! Give in! Get out!” They say. And who am I to silence them?
Can I say that I am them, or they are me? Are these the ramblings of a shattered mind? Or is this some universal hand of Fate, that would my life to end?
Nothing can I say, for to speak against any of these would be futile. Like the very bodies that surround me, with one hand they calm and with the other they slay. Kindness with a killing touch, but isn't that the way of life? Is anything ever simply as it seems?
And even if I had an inkling of where to start, still, the world-round tells me lies.
“It is your mind,” says one. “You must make it obey you. Take these pills and think this way; all will be well in time.”
The next replies, “It is not of body, but of spirit. Practice this way, remove yourself and become a silent servant. For he who wants not is on the way to peace.”
And yet a third appears, “These are but the ruminations of your wrongdoings. The LORD has punished you thus! So repent of your sinning ways and thoughts! Give up these ideas and this will, take in these words as unabashed truth and be Healed!”
But still my mind yells. “This man here! He knows not of what he speaks! He is giving you medicine he does not comprehend! He wants only that you conform to his Status Quo!
“And here, the next! A two-faced liar he is! He tells you to remove your wants and needs, but what will that leave you? Even he wants to be free of the mortal coil. Even he needs himself to become a servant. How then is it that he may tell you the path to set you free, if he is so far from his own mind?
“Oh, but the last... he is more two-faced than the rest! Ask for help once, he'll tell you of this God's unending love. Tell him something he does not like, and behold! This same God would that you destroy that path of mind. He works not for normalcy or inner peace, but for his own gain. This man lives and breathes only to be above another, to destroy all other thought but his own! He will champion Truth and Knowledge in one moment, and in the next refute them all as heathen sorcery and devil's play!
But all have this in common: they wish to alienate you from yourself, from the thoughts and ways that make you what you are. That make US!”
So what am I left to do but scream at spirits and fate alike until I die from this undue energy? There is within me a piece that yearns to heal and forgive, but another calls only for vengeance and destruction. One calls for oneness and community, yet this here screams that I should receive what is rightfully mine. A section calls for self-actualization, while the rest says to keep quiet, keep free from the self, and understand that nothing comes to those so lowly without sacrifice.
And sacrifice is what I do. Continue to remove piece by piece, molding myself only to what some other may want of me.
But what do I want, you ask?
Only to be part. To be accepted. To be understood. To not be hated. To not be an outcast.
To be Something.
